don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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