I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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