if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I could make wine with my vomit
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
