Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
