By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
