i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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