the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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