Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
