College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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