Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Operation Purity has been aborted
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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