My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So here I am, sexting at work.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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