it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
