upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize