he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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