your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
