I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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