She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
