I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
