How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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