after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
