So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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