Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
