I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize