Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
