I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
