Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm too high and old for this...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize