I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
