Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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