I hate your face
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
