so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
