If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize