In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
