i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
