I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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