Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
