Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
