I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
