I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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