I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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