If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
