i think i have two assholes
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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