Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
