Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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