Moan for me like Helen Keller
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize