Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
