Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
