I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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