The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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