im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
