I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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