So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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