I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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