I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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