i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
