In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
