I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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