You really coming over, don't trick.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I want to walk on stilts...naked
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
