OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
