We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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