Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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