dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
