My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
