his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We need a shit load of segways right now
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize