I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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