The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
