this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
