Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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