Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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